January Horrorscopes

Mystic Mog gazes deeply into space while holding his mighty crystal balls and predicts your horrorscope for the month of January

Capricorn - With Saturn in orbit around the sun this month, beware of strange men carrying large blooded knives especially in ladies changing rooms and electrical hardware shops. A physical encounter with a member of the opposite sex will result in a nasty bruise and an embarrassing rash. Your lucky sandwich filling is cheese with brown sauce.

Aquarius - An unlucky month lies ahead. Don't be surprised if you get caught in the rain or you suffer from terminal brain damage. Keep on top of your finances because your bank manager is out to get you. Your lucky high scoring Scrabble word that means a nun whose duty is to keep watch on the behaviour of the younger nuns is zelatrix.

Pisces - Approximately one in twelve people who die in January will have been born under this star sign. Be careful when crossing the road and don't eat any food unless it has been properly cooked, use a food taster if available. Your new kitchen clock is suffering from hiccups and shouldn't be left alone with the baby-sitter. Your lucky bull-headed monster is the Minotaur.

Aries - There is a full moon in January this year so go easy on the hair tonic and keep away from friends with high blood pressure. Don't fly unless accompanied by a nun wearing red leather. The Queen of England is unlikely to pop round for tea and biscuits this month so you've a good excuse for not having to clean the lavatory for a few more weeks. Your lucky road sign is 'Speed Cameras Ahead'.

Taurus - The Magic Pebbles of Wagarpooh predict good fortune for you and your family doctor. This is particularly true with regards to intravenous drug abuse and blood sports. Don't be tempted to eat a kebab on a Tuesday or Thursday. Your chances of promotion will be severely damaged if you call your boss a 'fucking wanker'.

Gemini - With Uranus in such an unusual position, don't attempt lifting any heavy objects without the aid of a surgical appliance. Your health will suffer during mid-month so don't book your summer holidays quite yet. 'No news is good news' so don't read any newspapers or watch television. Your lucky tropical plant of the genus Smilax is Sassaparilla.

Cancer - Beware of a woman wearing odd coloured shoes and calling herself 'The Slut of Southport' or the black serpent of the toilet rim will have its sickening revenge. Chocolate Buttons will play a large part in a sexual fantasy regarding domestic animals and a deformed vegetable. Your lucky large venomous hairy spider is the tarantula.

Leo - A perfect month for purchasing second-hand teapots. However, don't be so keen on buying the first one you see as it has been used for immoral purposes and will lead to personal hygiene problems in April. Keep taking the tablets even though the side effects may cause excessive hair growth in the anal region. Your lucky protein found in egg-whites is Avidin.

Virgo - Your lucky loose change of the month is a 1986 two pence piece so don't leave home without one unless you have a 1988 fifty pence piece and a photograph of Popeye taking Olive up the Gary Glitter. Accidents will happen especially if when you're a clumsy bastard. Avoid looking at clouds and stay away from Scottish gas fitters and Welsh plumbers.

Libra - You'll be feeling a little depressed towards the end of the month. Lock away the razor blades, sleeping pills and any sharp kitchen implements. Don't go walking near railway lines or canals. Believe in yourself even though you're old, fat, umemployed and ugly. Things could always be worse, at least you haven't got ginger hair. Your lucky cut of meat is the leg of lamb.

Scorpio - You will be going through one of your notorious clumsy phases during the latter half of the month. Refrain from any activity involving bomb disposal, open-heart surgery or the opening of milk cartons. Lady Luck will smile upon you as she shits on your bed next Wednesday. Your lucky inhabitant of arctic America is the Eskimo.

Sagittarius - Stay in bed all month or prepare to face the dire consequences. If you are worried that your boss may not be happy with this situation then apply for a personally signed sick note issued by the infamous Dr Mog (Prices vary depending on the length of the absence and the level of credibility required). Your lucky medication is soluble aspirin.