February Horrorscopes

Mystic Mog gazes deeply into space while holding his mighty crystal balls and predicts your horrorscope for the month of February

Capricorn - You really must try to curb your infamous outgoing nature. You'll talk to anyone, anywhere and at anytime. You are the loony on the bus. Your lucky canned food of the month is Heinz Lamb and Garden Slug Big Soup. Beware of door-to-door salesmen offering massive unbeatable discounts on an incredible range of top quality shite.

Aquarius - Your social life appears to be taking a nose dive so why not take a risk and have a bath this month. Keep off the onion and garlic mouthwash and that large white object with the round window in the corner of the kitchen is a machine for washing your clothes, try it out. Avoid committee meetings and don't answer the phone to strangers.

Pisces - February is the best month of the year for you so try to get out of the house a little more and find something to do. Don't eat any dehydrated seafood until later in the month or you may find yourself taking up a week long residency in the lavatory. A gas bill may come as something of a surprise since your home is all electric.

Aries - Your best friend hates you, you lover is cheating on you, your family want to disown you - so no change there. Another happy-go-lucky month ahead but keep the goat hidden under the bed until next month. Your lucky swear word of the month is "bugger" and your lucky two-dimensional object is the rectangle. Avoid having an accident if at all possible.

Taurus - With Pluto rising early in the morning it is best if you stay away from the dog until after midday unless you want puppies. Your prize plums will be in great demand on the night of 19th so ensure they are kept in tip-top condition. Don't miss a late showing of The Sound Of Music at your local cinema as it is the Director's cut version that includes a two hour long scene of the nuns in the communal showers.

Gemini - Your health is still not has good as it should be so stay well away from places that harbour infectious diseases such as Indian restaurants, sewers, English beaches, tramps, stray dogs and hospitals. If you work in an office with someone named John, keep your back to the wall at all times. Your lucky chat-up line of the month is "I trapped my head in the fridge this morning so do you fancy a shag?"

Cancer - With spring just around the corner you will be aware of a strange stirring in you underpants. Get the old lotion out quickly and give yourself a good dousing. The police are likely to catch up with you in the latter half of February so dispose of those Russian videos now. Your recent application to become the pope is currently being investigated by MI5.

Leo - As usual a very exciting month for all you lucky Leo's. Highlights will include counting your loose change, getting out of bed, looking at your watch, shopping and sleeping. You may find all this a little too much so try to conserve your energy by getting someone else to get out of bed for you. Your lucky paper size is A5 unless you're an Eskimo with a bad limp.

Virgo - With the moon in the sky during February you may find yourself in much demand by television documentary producers. Don't let these intrusive, perverse and uncaring scum bags take advantage of your warm hospitable nature unless the fee is very substantial. Your lucky residence of the month is a very large cardboard box filled with old newspapers commonly referred to as a tramp's palace.

Libra - A busy month is in store both at work and at home but this is preferable to being out of work and homeless so stop complaining and get on with it. Your lucky piece of fruit for February is the banana unless you're allergic to bananas in which case it's your unlucky piece of fruit. Try to change your clothes more often as you're starting to smell of wee.

Scorpio - Your plan for world domination must be put on hold for a few weeks while you redecorate the children's bedrooms. Try to stick with pastel colours and then brighten up the walls with a few posters of that famous seventies pop star Gary Glitter. Your arms dealer can supply you with a great offer on Thomas The Tank Engine lamp shades.

Sagittarius - You will feel a change coming on in February that could alter your outlook on life completely. Don't be surprised if you find yourself strangely attracted to members of the same sex especially in the workplace. Keep your eyes on the night sky for those strange lights as aliens are coming to dissect you in front of your television during the adverts.