March Horrorscopes

Mystic Mog gazes deeply into space while holding his mighty crystal balls and predicts your horrorscope for the month of March

Capricorn - The stars predict that you will receive a letter during March, if you don't then inform the Post Office, as your postman is probably lost. Beware of large venomous snakes, poisonous spiders, door-to-door salesmen and that sexy young blonde who lives at the end of the street. The cleaning lady from the health centre has been telling everyone about your sexually transmitted diseases.

Aquarius - Your cross-dressing secret is out. So the next time you're having a night out with the lads you may as well put on your best frock and show them just how stunning you look. Don't be surprised if you find you've lost your job by the end of the month. Your lucky metal object of the month is the padlock. Avoid sewage consultants posing as vicars.

Pisces - With spring just around the corner, you may be tempted to get out and do a spot of gardening. Mystic Mog's garden is available every day of the year for gardeners to come and practice their skills for free - contact Mystic Mog c/o Mog's Website. Your driveway has been chosen as the venue for your local church choir's annual dogging meet.

Aries - With the police still investigating the incident of the tied and gagged camel at your nearby zoo, March is not a good month for you to go lambing. Be careful of what you say in the Arabic restaurant when the waiter asks you if you like sheep's eyes. A family day out in the countryside will turn into an embarrassing ordeal and may result in criminal charges being made against you.

Taurus - If you're invited to a party, eat and drink as mush as possible before you throw up over the hostess, as your next meal will probably be through a straw. Your lucky domesticated animal of the month is the gerbil. Beware of exploding Karaoke machines, ceramic products weighing in excess of twenty kilograms and consumer organisations.

Gemini - A large black cloud is obscuring your part of the zodiac so Mystic Mog is unable to predict your future for the forthcoming month. Normal service will resume as soon as possible, in the meantime stop in doors and listen to some music. If you must go out and face the world without cosmic advice then wear nothing but a pair of underpants on your head and then it'll be unlikely that you'll be mugged.

Cancer - With the return of spring, you know that it is time for your annual change of underpants. If they are firmly stuck to your skin, try using a wallpaper scraper and a liberal squirt of WD40. Don't use an industrial sander as you'll only burn out the motor and give yourself a nasty rash. Your lucky item of kitchen equipment for the month is the griddle.

Leo - Neptune will be spinning around it's axis throughout March so stay well away from swimming pools, sinks, ponds, baths, seas, oceans, - you get the drift, or you may get wet. Your halitosis is getting worse, so stop making those heavy breathing phone calls or you'll be getting a visit from the BT Health inspector. March is a very good month for you to try and sell your scratched Dusty Springfield album.

Virgo - If you feel like taking up one of those courses that are on offer at the local college, e.g. flower arranging, interior decorating, line dancing, Amazonian cookery etc. it is probably because you've forgotten to take your tablets. Seek psychiatric attention immediately or hold your head under water for at least 15 minutes. Your lucky tree for the month is the cedar.

Libra - Don't expect any birthday presents in March because your birthday is still many months away. Be especially careful when using electrical kitchen appliances in the bathroom, you do not want another embarrassing accident. The stainless steel automatic chicken stuffer that you ordered last month should arrive within 28 days. Your lucky hospital department for the month is intensive care.

Scorpio - During March your love life won't be up to your expectations. If you are an attractive female, aged between 18 and 38, with your own transport and a GSOH you should e-mail Mystic Mog c/o Mog's Website, to make an appointment for one of his hands-on practice sessions. If you a bloke why not e-mail Mystic Mog for his amazing leaflet "100 perfect chat-up lines" - only £5-00 inc p&p.

Sagittarius - Mystic Mog's Magic Tarot Cards came up with a full house for March so expect a long visit from the mother-in-law and several other repulsive family members. Try feeding them a generous portion of your famous glowing prawn vindaloo with a garlic and chilli naan bread - which should get them on the move. Your lucky item of personal protective equipment is the earplug.