April Horrorscopes

Mystic Mog gazes deeply into space while holding his mighty crystal balls and predicts your horrorscope for the month of April

Capricorn - The appalling mess that you call your life will hit rock bottom towards the end of April. Suicide will seem a welcome release, you can see no end to the torment you are undergoing. Nobody seems to care about you and in fact nobody does. Don't try believing that things can only get better because they won't. Your lucky chemical substance of the month is cyanide.

Aquarius - You may feel that you are being victimised by the introduction of the new European laws regarding the abuse of fresh fruit and vegetables. However, onions and turnips have been omitted in Section 56, clause 8 and will therefore be available in licensed darken rooms throughout North Wales until the end of next year. Your lucky battery size of the month is AAA.

Pisces - Your latest money making scheme may land you in deep water with the rest of your family when you attempt to sell your youngest sister for medical research into toxic radioactive isotopes. Persevere with the Icelandic dog meat scam and the sale of stolen biological weapons to the anarchist wing of the Women's Institute. This is a good month for fiddling your tax return.

Aries - Bowel problems will cause severe disruption to your social life during April. Try the following remedies in the following order: - laxative chocolate, a good hot cat and rodent droppings curry, the garden hose attached to the hot tap, a sink plunger, take the wife out for a driving lesson. If all that fails then apply a liberal dose of WD40 and get someone to give you a bump start.

Taurus - The five and a half jigsaw pieces that compose your mind will dissolve into little pink swirls on 15th. However, the old issue of the Radio Times that your keep in the fridge may help you fight off the hoards of rampant hamsters that forage through your bedclothes. Try to ignore the shouting man dressed in a cardboard box with his large prawn cocktail who disturbs your dreams with cries of "press the other button". If all else fails then try to kick your drug habit.

Gemini - April should be the luckiest month of your life. Why not combine all that luck with Mystic Mog's amazing fortune-telling skills to win the national lottery. Simply e-mail me and I will forecast the winning numbers for you. I offer this service for free but I would expect you to reward me with a 25% share of your winnings. Trust me, I am your friend.

Cancer - You will become irresistible to members of the opposite sex during April. You will be able to use a chat-up line like; "It is a well known fact that some substances are more soluble in certain solvents than in others. For example, Iodine is very much more soluble in chloroform than it is in water" and still pull. Try it and see. (This wonderful line comes from the "Handbook of Love" published by the Institute of Qualitative Inorganic Chemistry)

Leo - As always you will be irresistible to members of the opposite sex so don't be too upset if you hear a lot of non-Leo's using your famous chat-up lines. Their luck is only going to last for one month of their entire sad lives, so pity them rather than sticking one on them. Your lucky past-their-best TV presenters of the month are Zoe Ball and Philippa Forrester - oh yes, rub them for luck as often as possible.

Virgo - During April you will be abducted by aliens. Resistance will be useless and you will undergo terrifying experiments at the tentacles of some strange green beasties and their lanky pale overseer. Of course, when it is all over you will not remember what has happened except for in those repetitive bed-wetting nightmares. Other than this April will be a quiet month with some scattered showers.

Libra - Beware the son of Homer Simpson for he is the spawn of Satan and will lead the world to Armageddon with his demon followers from Blue Peter and the East Midlands local news team. The only means of warding off his evil influence is to wear a string of onions around your neck - the French have always known this to be true and have practised onion wearing for years.

Scorpio - Strange as it may seem, Czechoslovakia will declare war on all Scorpio's on April 23rd, or is that all scorpions, no forget it all, its just a speck of dust on my telescope. Your lucky furry objects of the month are cats, run one over as soon as possible, skin it, sprinkle on a little mint, and pop it into the oven with some new potatoes, lovely.

Sagittarius - Your unnatural desire to read horoscopes on the Internet is a sure sign that you are stark raving bonkers. Arrange a long stay for yourself at the funny farm where you'll be able to impress the inmates with your profound knowledge of pork scratchings, squeaky toys and Pop Idol trivia. Your lucky household cleaning fluid of the month is Toilet Duck.