May Horrorscopes

Mystic Mog gazes deeply into space while holding his mighty crystal balls and predicts your horrorscope for the month of May

Capricorn - May is the month when you may suffer from serious mental illness leading to intensive treatment such as ice cold baths, painful electric shocks and open-head brain surgery. Symptoms could start during early May wiv mild dyslexia. If ewe suspeck this may be occurring ewe shud contact yur local menthol hospitol immediately and say gudbye to all yur famlee and furends.

Aquarius - This month is a good time for you to start dieting. It's not that you're fat but your recent purchase of a new pair of jeans did cause the price of denim to double over night. Please remember to inform your local Euro MP of your diet plans so that a large area of France can be cleared in preparation for the forthcoming Food Mountain.

Pisces - Because the Earth is spinning round so fast, you may become a little confused during the coming weeks. This may cause you to disbelieve this month's prediction. However since this prediction predicts that you may disbelieve it then the prediction is indeed true and if you do believe it then that must mean that you are confused. Mystic Mog has got it right yet again.

Aries - Put your plans for the New Year on hold. Due to global over population, the UN has proposed that all people born under this sign should be executed before the end of the year. Since this is such a drastic measure the UN are arranging a worldwide ballot to be held on 11th August to ensure that the process is democratic . Statisticians are predicting the outcome will be approximately 11 to 1 in favour of the proposal.

Taurus - During this month, demons from the fiery pits of Hell will be taking their annual holiday and will be stalking the Earth after a few lost souls. If caught you'll spend eternity with a red hot spike stuffed up your bottom, not very nice but it should cure your piles. Garlic, Holy Water and crucifixes will offer you no protection as the demons are officially off-duty but a Chinese Take-Away eaten daily will guarantee your safety. (This prediction has been kindly sponsored by the Institute of Oriental Noodle Manufacturers and Battersea Dogs Home)

Gemini - During this month you will feel the need to change your occupation. You should consider finding a job that suits your personality such as, selling double-glazing, insurance or pensions, estate agent, journalist, blackmailer, MP, pimp or accountant. You can earn good money and remain as unpopular as ever.

Cancer - Just when you thought you had got away with it, the vice squad photo of you curb crawling around the local red light district will turn up addressed to your wife. Mystic Mog has come up with the greatest excuse possible and will gladly sell it to you for 100. To maintain confidentiality, sign your mail using the alias of 'Pervert'.

Leo - Because Leo's are the most charming, witty, sexy and intelligent of people, we have another wonderful month ahead of us. In 1999, to celebrate the greatness of Leo's, astronomers arranged a total eclipse of the Sun to take place during August. Mystic Mog believes all other professions should pay similar homage, especially Bank Managers who could give away large sums of money to their Leo customers.

Virgo - If you were abducted by aliens last month (and the chances are that you won't remember), you may start to suffer from the effects of a strange parasite that attacks the brain. The first sign of infection is a slight itching of the scalp that will come and go for several weeks. This will be followed by the parasite trying to escape your half-eaten brain and emerging through one of your eyeballs with dramatic effect. Try living every day as though it was your last because it probably will be.

Libra - With the holiday season nearly here you will be looking forward to lazy days spent sunning yourself by a quite pool with a long cool drink. However, the love of your life has other plans so start looking for your paint brushes, rollers and wallpapering equipment now so that you can start decorating on the very first day of your vacation. Your lucky holiday location for this year is Smiling Sids DIY Centre.

Scorpio - Because of an unusual Saturn-Uranus conjunction you'll be in a very lazy mood during May. Top activities will include dreaming, lying around and snoring. This shouldn't cause any problems with your normal routine so long as when you visit the pub you stay in the lounge.

Sagittarius - With many local elections taking place shortly, you'll be dreading the thought of all those candidates knocking at the door asking for your support. If you want to get rid of them quickly and you don't own a large dog or a shotgun, simply tell them that you will be voting for them on the day. Convinced that you are stark raving bonkers they will move on to next door and you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you broke your election promise before they did.

www.mog.org.uk