June Horrorscopes

Mystic Mog gazes deeply into space while holding his mighty crystal balls and predicts your horrorscope for the month of June

Capricorn - There is no reason for you to turn to drink just because the football season has finished. There are many summer sports that you can now watch instead such as cricket, athletics and tennis... Ok! I'll have a pint of vodka.

Aquarius - Sea creatures, such as shrimps, lobsters and oysters are likely to infest your underwear during June. Take full advantage of this situation by enjoying a varied seafood diet. However, medical attention must be sought if crabs become a problem.

Pisces - You may feel that you're going round in circles for days on end. This is nothing to worry about unless one of your legs has dropped off. Your lucky item of clothing is the odd sock.

Aries - With your exams coming up this month, Mystic Mog has predicted the answer to all your exam questions. Simply write: "E = 1066 + The Spin of an electron at gas mark 5 with Bastille Day soaked in Potassium Bromide is less than mon papa est un laquais in Berlin with a nickel alloy embedded anthropoid, Shakespeare's great and you'll find £50 in the attached brown envelope."

Taurus - Don't be surprised if the government withdraw your GM foods licence this month as your latest to patent applications are rejected. The beef flavoured flea certainly tastes great but 1000 fleas per forkful takes some swallowing and the cat that tastes like chicken has already been patented by Indian restaurants.

Gemini - You'll find yourself with plenty of spare time over the next few months after your boss makes you redundant, so why not spend a few hours every day phoning him up on his mobile phone. It may cost you a few hundred pounds but you'll have the satisfaction of knowing that you are microwaving his brain.

Cancer - During June you will become highly gullible and will almost certainly be the victim of some dastardly con trick. To receive advice on how to avoid this happening, send £50 to Mystic Mog today. Your lucky supermarket is closed for fumigation.

Leo - Mystic Mog has predicted this years summer fashion look for Leo's. Grow your hair long and wear a see-through blouse, short red skirt with fishnet stockings and high heals. Ladies should wear trouser suits. Your lucky mode of transport is the pogo stick.

Virgo - Your autograph collection is growing nicely, you only need David Beckham's signature to complete your football player's section. Rumour has it that he will be working as a railway porter in a London train station during the summer to help pay for Posh Spice's new summer wardrobe. Many believe he'll be located at King's Cross or Waterloo but Mystic Mog predicts he'll be spending most of the summer in Victoria.

Libra - During the summer, your spiritual nature will peak. If you decide to take up religion then watch out for the following requirements: fasting, alcohol and dietary restrictions, pilgrimages, arranged marriages, weird clothes, self flagellation, monetary donations, good deeds and praying. Any reputable religion should be free from these pointless activities.

Scorpio - Your entire personality will undergo a dramatic change during June. You will be aggressive, arrogant, develop bad taste in dress and your IQ will fall below that normally required to sustain your life functions. Don't miss this golden opportunity to become a Conservative MP.

Sagittarius - If you're short of money this month, why not take snapshots of people in the street and then sell them the photo. This can be highly profitable if you find the right location such as outside of a massage parlour or marital aids shop. Your lucky chemical substance is copper chloride.