July Horrorscopes

Mystic Mog gazes deeply into space while holding his mighty crystal balls and predicts your horrorscope for the month of July

Capricorn - If you have young children then now is the time to prepare yourself for the forthcoming summer holidays. Mystic Mog predicts that the following will be needed: one ultra-large bottle of aspirin, two dozen bottles of gin, a selection of powerful tranquillisers, a straight-jacket and a padded cell.

Aquarius - The summer sunshine will have a drastic effect on your intelligence this summer. The part of your brain that controls your logical thought will shutdown during July. If you are male, it may be wise to book a long holiday so that your work is unaffected. If you are female, you need not worry, nobody will notice any difference.

Pisces - With the aid of modern technology it is now possible to give 100% accurate horrorscope predictions. Mystic Mog can confidently predict that on 21st June, at exactly 4:15pm, you will not turn into a seven metre high Daddy-Long-Legs with three heads.

Aries - During the next few weeks the tone of your voice will raise by two octaves. When this occurs stay well clear of large dogs, gay bars and choir masters.

Taurus - My mystic dream of the month was of a tattooed dwarf sitting on the roof of your house for two weeks screaming obscenities while a swarm of whistling jellyfish eat your great grandfather. I haven't the faintest idea what this dream means but it doesn't sound too promising.

Gemini - During July the answer to the meaning of life will come to you in a sudden flash of inspiration. Unfortunately because you do not have a working knowledge of quantum pyramidal obstetrics, a second later you will forget what it was you thought of. Don't worry about this, it happens to me all the while.

Cancer - Something horrendous is going to happen to you over the next few weeks. Details of what, where or exactly when are unavailable so you will not be able to avoid this terrible disaster. If you manage to survive any nasty accidents during July, please e-mail me the gruesome details so that I can have a good laugh.

Leo - The discounted plastic surgery you underwent in the spring is going to melt in the summer heat so that your face resembles a Picasso painting (a bit like Michael Jackson's). If you don't want to spend the rest of your days working as the star attraction in a freak show you should wear a surgical support stocking over your head until the autumn.

Virgo - Mystic Mog predicts that you will shortly receive a visit from one of the living dead who will drain your spirit and turn you into a gibbering wreck. Take action now by phoning your mother-in-law and telling her she can't come round because you've caught chicken pox.

Libra - Your noisy next-door neighbours will drive you crazy unless you do something about them this summer. During July they will go away for their summer holidays, so throw a few blood stained children's toys into their front garden and then post leaflets throughout the district claiming that they are child molesters.

Scorpio - Sometime during July your body's psychic field will become unbalanced leading to disruptions in your spiritual energy flow. This will result in a very nasty case of diarrhoea. Try sticking a TV aerial up your nose and plugging yourself into the mains.

Sagittarius - Last month one of the fairies at the bottom of your garden fell terminally ill and you were heard laughing evilly as you replaced the rat poison back on the shelf in the garden shed. Don't be surprised if you get a visit from The Tooth Fairy's big brother, The Testicle Gnome.