August Horrorscopes

Mystic Mog gazes deeply into space while holding his mighty crystal balls and predicts your horrorscope for the month of August

Capricorn - At some time during the next few weeks, you will have an overwhelming unnatural desire to consume human flesh. At that time it may be a good idea to quit your high fibre, fruit, vegetable and live yoghurt diet in favour of a dozen large fat oozing bacon and black pudding sandwiches. Cannibalism is illegal and it is far better for your body to eat pork than your body being porked whilst in prison.

Aquarius - If you wish to keep your youthful looks, you had better start looking for something new to stop your hair turning grey. Your current hair colourant, Grecian 2000, is not millennium compliant and does not work anymore.

Pisces - During August you will suffer from repetitive explosive flatulence. To save you from extreme embarrassment wear at least six pairs of underpants to help muffle the sound and insert an Odour Eater between each pair to absorb the horrendous stench. Ensure you keep well away from baked beans, mushy peas, real ale and naked flames.

Aries - Due to freak hormonal changes in your body, your skin will become excessively oily during the forthcomong weeks. Try to reduce the quantity of fatty foods that you eat and do not stay out for too long in the midday sun unless you want to sizzle like a sausage on a barbecue.

Taurus - August is the perfect month for you to leave your life in the hands of fate. Make no decisions for yourself, when you are asked a question simply throw a die and use the following key to give your reply. 1 = Yes, 2 = No, 3 = I'll let you know tomorrow, 4 = Only if you show me yours first, 5 = The Co-Op opens early on a Friday, 6 = You look as though you swing both ways.

Gemini - On 17th August, at 1.00pm precisely, you will become totally invisible for exactly 5 minutes. Use this once in a lifetime experience to its full advantage and make sure you are in a bank when the time comes. Grab as much cash as you can carry and calmly walk away with it - Trust me, I'm a psychic... or is that a psycho?

Cancer - The magazines you ordered from Sweden should be delivered during the next few days. Before they arrive you should give the emergency starter motor that you keep under your bed its annual service.

Leo - Your brain will be in top form for at least three weeks. This is the ideal time to sort out your tax returns, thrash your mates at chess or solve some ancient mathematical problem. However don't think that you are omnipotent and attempt to reprogram the DVD player.

Virgo - You will be feeling particularly depressed during August therefore you may be happy to hear that Boots (The popular chemist shop) are offering DIY suicide kits at half-price. So cheer up, you can kill yourself and save money at the same time - what a great way to go.

Libra - Sometime during the next month, a complete stranger will insult you in front of your friends. Remember that mindless violence is wrong but that it will make you feel a hell of lot better.

Scorpio - You will receive an invitation to a fancy dress party. For the best effect, you should go as a revoltingly freaky half-dead alien, that way you won't need to hire an outfit or change your personality.

Sagittarius - Now that the football season is about to kick off, you can stop taking the anti-depressants and start to enjoy life again unless, of course, you are a Derby County supporter.