September Horrorscopes

Mystic Mog gazes deeply into space while holding his mighty crystal balls and predicts your horrorscope for the month of September

Capricorn - If you have been using plant extract hair conditioner during the summer you may find that your hair starts to fall out now that autumn has arrived. You have a secret admirer who would like to tie you up and cover you in strawberry ice cream. Your lucky electromagnetic frequency is 307.5MHz.

Aquarius - There is a blood-sucking creature living in your bedroom, it looks something like a cross between a giant spider and a huge mutated scorpion. It feeds on your blood as soon as you fall asleep but does you no serious harm so try not to worry about it and sleep well. Your lucky management buzz-word is "redundancy".

Pisces - You look set to break your personal alcohol consumption record on the night of 25th September. To avoid disappointment on the night, phone your local hospital and book your stomach pump immediately. Your lucky twelve digit number is 328794087611, use it wisely or lose your mind.

Aries - Your spirit of adventure has never been stronger, why not use this opportunity to venture into places you have never dare visit before such as a Port-a-loo, the kitchen at your favourite Indian restaurant or maybe spend a weekend in rural France. Be especially careful on the third Monday of the month that you are not struck in the face by a low flying fax machine.

Taurus - September will be a month of mixed blessings. The good news is that you will spend several weeks away from home with a team of young women running around after you day and night, the bad news is that you'll be in hospital suffering from cholera. Your lucky airport of the month is closed due to a security problem.

Gemini - Prepare yourself for the worst, you must be strong in the face of adversity and try to carry on with life although there will seem to be little point. There is no easy way to tell you of the horror that is to befall you on 30th September other than to say it concerns a tennis ball and three wild mountain goats. The best thing for you to do is to forget that you read this and try to live each day to the full.

Cancer - Ladies, you always enjoy wearing the most fashionable clothes so why not follow Mystic Mog's advice and become a fashion icon by wearing next years 'in-look' today. Try a red and blue hooped top, a leopard skin mini-skirt with bright pink tights and green wellies - you're sure to make a name for yourself.

Leo - August was a cosmic month for Leo's what with your birthday and the V festival. September will be a month of hard work, so in words that can only thought of during the early hours - "pass me a bucket I'm about to pupate".

Virgo - You will find yourself short of money this month so take a tour of the local pubs and collect the coins that people drop into the urinals. Remember to take a plastic bag with you, as you don't want to be walking round with a soggy pocket full of smelly loose change.

Libra - Expect a visit from your mad Uncle Eugene. Hide all sharp objects, tie down the pots and pans, keep your fridge well stocked with yellow jelly and lock the cat in the garden shed. Try not to upset him with talk about golf, the weather or the local bus service.

Scorpio - You really must control your fear of men in white coats. Last month you ran away from three ice cream vendors and assaulted a local butcher. Not all doctors are incompetent and the surgeon that fouled up your operation has now been struck off and is working as an abattoir assistant.

Sagittarius - A very dull month is in store. Keep a close eye on the weather during September because that's about as much excitement as you are likely to get. While you're in the mood for boredom why don't you try some other dull spectator activities such as watching paint drying, grass growing or Arsenal trying to play football.