October Horrorscopes

Mystic Mog gazes deeply into space while holding his mighty crystal balls and predicts your horrorscope for the month of October

Capricorn - It is a well-known fact that all Capricorn's are stupid due to their tiny brains. So, when you catch a cold this winter don't blow your nose too hard. Due to complete incompetence and interbreeding, the police will not be following up investigations into your recent internet porn activities. Your lucky infection of the month is syphilis.

Aquarius - You are likely to receive a visit from the RSPCA during October. If you don't wish to be locked up you should put the sheep back out in to the garden and not keep it in the bedroom. Don't forget to remove the sellotape from around the hamsters. Your partner has discovered your vets costume in the bottom of the wardrobe and Dr Mog will devise the perfect excuse for you for only £200.

Pisces - You will start having bad dreams about your teeth falling out. This is normally a sign that you are worried about something but in this instance it is a case of sever gum gangrene brought on by talking excess crap. Your only hope is to engage your brain before opening your mouth... or should that be disengage your brain?

Aries - With the return of the usual damp autumn weather, you can expect your bladder problem to give you sleepless nights once again. Why not invest in a pair of Dr Mog's Super-Capacity Incontinence Pants that can hold up to thirty litres of liquid before exploding. Avoid public transport in the Norwich area and small children covered in jam. Your lucky unit of area is the hectare.

Taurus - Your energy levels are at an all time high, you will want to party every night, work hard all day, talk about anything for hours and will take up long distance running. Friends and family will think you're nuts and will avoid you like the plague so stop putting eight teaspoons of sugar in your tea now. A rich friend is thinking of buying you a very expensive gift but will then change their mind.

Gemini - You are depressed at the moment because you believe that you are ugly, and you are. But remember the story of the ugly caterpillar that turned into a beautiful butterfly that was then eaten by an evil frog. See you're feeling better already. Pluto moves into your house this month so keep your sausages in the fridge. Your lucky household object of the month is a razor blade.

Cancer - During October you will awake one morning and believe that you have gone blind. Don't worry, you have simply been eaten by a large alien monster with no taste buds. Wild dogs are now crossing the street when you approach, it is time you took your annual bath. Your lucky taboo subject is right-wing black disabled lesbians who refuse to eat meat.

Leo - Another month of high adventure and living life to the full, if only you can force yourself out of bed. Your pet goldfish has something important to tell you about foot deodorants and of forthcoming civil disorder in Sweden. Stop smiling at the barmaid in The Lame Horse & Bullet, you're scaring her. Beware of meat pies from a butcher with no fingers.

Virgo - Over the summer months you will have heard many strange noises in the night such as lions growling and weird lizard sounds, you may have also noticed that visitors to your home are all wearing safari clothes. If you are not living in Africa then it may be time to do some work in the garden. Your lucky straight line equation is y=4x-7 and your magical co-ordinate is (12,41).

Libra - That 2kg lump of plutonium that you stole from your nearby power plant is starting to become unstable. Although you've put it in the fridge and it does stop the milk from going off, it is also causing the paint to peel off the kitchen walls and you're growing a third nipple. Be sensible, follow government policy and dispose of it correctly by throwing it into the sea.

Scorpio - Your massive collection of mucky magazines stored in the cellar is now causing severe local subsidence. Council inspectors will be visiting you during the month and you will have to pay the repair bill for all the houses in your street. Dr Mog will take the magazines off your sticky hands free of charge so long as you pay for the crane hire and haulage.

Sagittarius - Your latest money making enterprise, "The Iced Pube, a real piece of ice containing a single curly hair in a delightful presentation box for only 12.99 + 4.99 postage and packaging", is doomed to failure as the ice will certainly melt in the post. Why not try sugared plums. Your lucky Post Office item is a large red elastic band.