November Horrorscopes

Mystic Mog gazes deeply into space while holding his mighty crystal balls and predicts your horrorscope for the month of November

Capricorn - Your liking for exotic food is reaching epic proportions. You will feel the urge to eat boiled rancid porcupine with a stale oak leaf and acorn salad and a side plate of minced earthworms. The old lady from the Co-op is spreading nasty rumours about you fiddling with your small change. Your lucky vegetable of the month is diced carrot.

Aquarius - With Christmas only a few weeks away, you may be pressured into spending some money. You may therefore like to know that a free special miser's wallet opening kit has now been developed to cope with such a major incident. The kit comes complete with stiff drink, counselling hot line telephone number, crow bar, lock-picking device, moth and dust suppression sprays.

Pisces - Your love life is in turmoil and you may be tempted to turn a little queer. Try to stay on the straight and narrow by remembering that homosexuality is like smoking, you have one fag and then you want another. Your friends have discovered your secret hobby and although they're still talking to you they won't shake your hand.

Aries - During November your journey along the road of life will reach one of its most important forks. You must decide whether to turn left or right, one road leads to a vast pit of sorrow whilst the other leads to a full and happy life. There are no signs to help you on your way but the road to the left has a charming real ale pub on it.

Taurus - A good month for selling rotten animal food to the French and if you get friends and family behind the project you could become stinking rich. Don't let HM Customs get a sniff of the action or they'll seize your assets. The sooner you get started the less chance of any opposition forcing the prices down to rock bottom and putting the squeeze on your business.

Gemini - With Bonfire Night approaching, it is time for you to smarten up your appearance or you may find yourself sat on top of a large blazing pile of old wardrobes and wooden pallets in your local park. Be careful with your latest batch of homemade brandy as it will dissolve flesh. Your lucky breakfast food of the month is French bacon.

Cancer - You'll be inviting friends around for dinner one evening this month. Your cooking skills are poor and therefore you'll need to purchase some ready-made meals. Mystic Mog recommends the new Linda McCartney Endangered Species range. Whale Soup, Badger and Osprey Fritters or the savoury Tiger and Ocelot Pie. Don't invite any vegetarians unless you're planning on eating one.

Leo - The Eternal Cosmic Trampoline will make its influence felt for up to seven wonderful days but beware of side effects such as headaches, vomiting, lack of appetite and internal bleeding. If you want to avoid excessive bouncing, wear a woolly hat and boxing gloves whenever you leave the house and don't talk to strange animals that float above the foot of your bed.

Virgo - Life seems a little dull at the moment, so liven up things by contacting the national press to tell them that you were once a KGB agent. You will receive masses of attention and could possibly make a small fortune out of TV appearances and future book sales. Your dangerous undercover item of the month is the poisoned tipped umbrella.

Libra - You are likely to receive a phone call from a heavy breather during the month. Don't hang up, it's only a fund raising member of the Asthmatic Society after a donation. A member of the opposite sex catches your attention this month as they try to steal your prize collection of used condoms. Your lucky dead Jananese artist is Katsushika Hokusai.

Scorpio - You always arrive on time at a railway station to catch a train only to find that it is running twenty minutes late. To guarantee the train does leave on time, ensure you arrive ten minutes late. A ruptured spleen may put an end to your dreams of becoming a professional breakdance tutor. Your lucky meat product is the Knackwurst Sausage.

Sagittarius - There is both good and bad news for the forthcoming weeks. The bad news is that you will become quite ill and will feel about thirty years older. The good news is that you will look only twenty years older. Your recent application to become a politician will be turned down because you're too honest. Your lucky cold dessert is the Knickerbocker Glory.

www.mog.org.uk