December Horrorscopes

Mystic Mog gazes deeply into space while holding his mighty crystal balls and predicts your horrorscope for the month of December

Capricorn - You will be going through an ugly phase in December and your usual heavy make-up will be powerless. Even your Phantom Of The Opera rubber mask will be powerless to help you. Stay inside your house at all times so as not to frighten small children, old ladies, dogs and drunks. Your lucky item of personal protective equipment is the disposable dust mask.

Aquarius - Unless you want to end up in trouble with your bank manager, you must control your Christmas spending. Try placing mousetraps inside your pockets, you'll only reach for your money once. Family and friends will a little seem distant as if they are trying to avoid you but there is nothing strange in that. Your lucky gardening tool is the rake.

Pisces - Eggs, bacon, toilet rolls, apples, tomatoes, onions, cheese, milk, chicken, potatoes, pork chops and porn videos are just a few of the items that could be on your shopping list this month. Avoid talking to small children unless you want your house burning down and spending the next five years in prison. Your lucky prime number is 79.

Aries - see Scorpio

Taurus - You are very unpopular and will receive very few Christmas presents. A good way to get more gifts is by waiting until the weekend before Christmas and then telling everyone you know that you have won the lottery and that you are waiting for the cheque to clear. Your lucky scientific piece of nonsense is Olber's paradox.

Gemini - see Aries

Cancer - Due to excessive Christmas shopping and the carrying of heavy loads, your right arm is now three inches longer than your left arm. This could make clapping a little difficult. Love is just around the corner so maybe you should consider relocating outside of the red light distict. Your lucky crayon colour is nappy shit yellow.

Leo - All Leos love Christmas because it is a time of excess, all the partying, eating and drinking is what Leos live for, especially the partying, eating and drinking. However, do remember that your skin is not infinitely elastic and could burst as you knock back that last pint on New Years Eve. Your lucky Greek minced lamb dish is Moussaka.

Virgo - You're not going to enjoy Christmas this year, something nasty will happen to you on the day you break up for the holidays. The most likely things to happen are being involved in a car crash, catching some strange new disease that brings you out in green spots, losing your wallet in Tescos, electric shock whilst fixing the Christmas tree lights or food poisoning caused by eating too much Pork Pie.

Libra - The Infidels of Quarge (aka the accounts department) are planning to gate crash your office party. The only solution is to make sure that you have no drink or food available and they will then leave quietly. The trouble is everyone else will leave as well. Beware of carol singers, they are only after your money. Your lucky Smartie is the yellow coloured one.

Scorpio - see Gemini

Sagittarius - Rhododendron Buttocks. Why? Why not? Don't lose your mind again without writing your name and address on it in pink crayon. As always, avoid any contact with the mental health services. Your chances of winning the lottery are poor unless you pick the right numbers. Your lucky small desert-dewelling rodent is the gerbil.