Lonely Hearts

Mystic Mog's offers you a fine selection of prospective partners

Name - Keith
Keith Age - 23
Location - Derby
Occupation - Car Thief
Interests - defeating alarm systems, reckless driving, squeezing spots and molesting sheep
Would like to meet - a rich lady with unnatural sexual tendancies aged over 85 with her own bus pass.

Name - Wendy
Wendy Age - 31
Location - Swindon
Occupation - Unemployed
Interests - sleeping around, watching daytime tv, crack cocaine, nagging and shop lifting
Would like to meet - any fully functional male aged under 40 with their own house and car. Must be good with animals and children. Ideally hung like a horse and a tongue like an anteater.

Name - Donald
Donald Age - 58
Location - Glasgow
Occupation - Film Director
Interests - collecting cardboard boxes, playing with matches and farting
Would like to meet - a young attractive female with no baggage. Preferably a good housekeeper and cook with an easy going personality. Must be willing to spend days on end locked in a small cupboard wearing only a pair of white socks.

Name - Sandra
Sandra Age - 27
Location - Coventry
Occupation - Bricklayer
Interests - women's football, women's boxing, women's darts, wearing trousers and peeing whilst standing
Would like to meet - a pretty lesbian lady who enjoys playing with large lubricated plastic toys and believes that all men are the work of the devil.

Name - Barry
Barry Age - 51
Location - Newcastle
Occupation - Taxi Driver
Interests - cars, drinking, shouting and swearing, being angry, wife beating and visiting prostitutes
Would like to meet - a unintelligent women good at cooking, cleaning and DIY. Should be willing to be treated as a door mat and capable of taking a good slapping without complaint.

Name - June
June Age - 20
Location - Essex
Occupation - Charity Worker
Interests - flower arranging, attending church, visiting elderly neighbours, choir singing and cake making
Would like to meet - a ravenous stud with an huge sex drive who can keep going all night, every night.

Name - Gareth
Gareth Age - 36
Location - Brighton
Occupation - Air Steward
Interests - wearing tight black leather, shirt lifting, up hill gardening and mincing
Would like to meet - a nice boy who enjoys dressing up in school uniform and is willing to bend over backwards to please.

Name - Kermit "Slippery When Wet" Frog
Kermy Age - 18 months
Location - Poole
Occupation - Amphibian
Interests - swimming, eating flies (check out the tongue ladies!), croaking, sitting on rocks, diving, hopping and hanging out with pondlife
Would like to meet - a fairytale princess with strong desire to find her prince.

Membership to Mystic Mog's Lonely Hearts Club is entirely free of charge. If you wish to have your details (or even better, someone you know!) posted on this page then simply e-mail the necessary information with a photograph.