Dr Mog's Surgery

Dr Mog

Dr Mog was born in Germany in 1919 and studied medicine during World War II in various establishments under many infamous German doctors. After the war he moved to a small village in Wales to avoid war crime allegations and worked as a vet until he was dismissed following an incident with a hamster and a length of masking tape. He then worked in several hospitals throughout the UK assisting in the incineration of body parts and general odd job duties. In the 1960s he moved to London where he studied recreational drugs and started his own drug-manufacturing laboratory in his bed-sit in the West End. It was then he discovered (quite by accident) a rejuvenating drug that has caused him to retain his youthful looks to this day. From the money he made selling this youth-drug to a certain singer in a band called The Shadows, he set up his consultancy in Harley Street and has practised there ever since. Judge Roger Baby-Face Olot has squashed all the thousands of accusations for malpractice that have since followed in the courts. His hobbies are listed in Whos Who as sex, drugs and raising money for Mogs Beer Fund (an unregistered charity that does good work in keeping Englands breweries in profit).

Dr Mog's Free Advice No.1 - Nasty Rash

Dear Dr Mog,
I have a very nasty rash all over my family jewels. It is very itchy and I forever have to scratch myself in public. I include a photograph of the infected area for your inspection. Can you cure me?

Dick Swinger - Portsmouth.

Dear Mr Swinger,
After studying your photograph (and mopping up my vomit) I believe your problem can be easily cured with a little minor surgery. Take out your 'love-spuds' and place them on your kitchen surface and then with the sharpest knife you can find slice off the offending articles.

Yours wincingly, Dr Mog.

Dr Mog's Free Advice No.2 - Animal Attraction

Dear Dr Mog,
I work assisting vets in a small surgery dealing mainly with family pets. I have recently developed unnatural desires towards some of my furry patients. I'm very worried that I'll be caught with my trousers down and be deported back to Australia. Have you any advice?

Mr R Harris - London.

Dear Rolf,
My advice is simple. Always use a condom and remove the masking tape before returning the little beauty back to its owners.

Yours knowingly, Dr Mog.

Dr Mog's Free Advice No.3 - Naval Fungus

Dear Dr Mog,
I was examining myself in a full-length mirror the other day when I happened to notice mushrooms sprouting from my navel. I am concerned that this may affect my performance at work as an Archbishop. What should I do?

Name supplied, Canterbury.

Dear Archie,
As you well know mushrooms grow in damp dark places. I would recommend that you dry yourself properly after work with one of those posh towels that you wear around your neck and try to let the sunlight to your body a bit more often, why not take up naked yoga in the local park.

Yours in heaven as on Earth, Dr Mog.

Dr Mog's Free Advice No.4 - Large Breasts

Dear Dr Mog,
I often get teased at school because of the size of my bust. I am already wearing a 38DD bra and I'm only 12. What should I do?

Derek, Scunthorpe

Dear Derek,
This is nothing to worry about but you do need to talk to a friend who will understand. Why not pay a lunchtime visit to that nice art teacher with the funny voice, the one the older boys laugh at, and seek his opinion. If he can't help you then maybe you should consider joining the circus.

Yours jealously, Dr Mog.

Dr Mog's Free Advice No.5 - Ugly Woman

Dear Dr Mog,
I am 24 years old and I have never had a boyfriend. This is because I am the ugliest woman in South Wales. I have considered undergoing plastic surgery but whenever I arrange the operation, the price of polymers goes sky-high. Have you any suggestions?

Sarah Munta, Cardiff.

Dear Miss Munta,
As I read your letter I could almost hear the clatter of moose's antlers. However don't despair, why don't you try your local supermarket. They stock a wide range of paper bags that can be worn on any occasion.

Yours sympathetically, Dr Mog.

Dr Mog's Free Advice No.6 - Older Men

Dear Dr Mog,
I am a young woman, I have long blonde hair, blue eyes and I am exceedingly beautiful. Wherever I go young men ask me out. The problem I have is that I am only attracted to older men, my friends think I'm crazy, what do you think?

Fanny Corker, Birmingham.

Dear lovely Fanny,
As an older man myself, I can quite understand your desires. However the Hippopotamus oath that I have taken means I must take a quick cold shower and answer your question in a totally professional manner. You must realise that the only thing that older men are better at than their younger collegues is making love. If that doesn't interest you then find yourself a young man as soon as possible otherwise give me a ring at the weekend.

Yours very hopefully, Dr Mog.

Dr Mog's Free Advice No.7 - Body Odour

Dear Dr Mog,
As summer approaches I start to dread the oncoming hot weather. I suffer from horrendous body odour when I sweat. Deodorants are totally ineffective. Have you again helpful advice?

Mr Creepy, Crawley.

Dear Mr Creepy,
Body odour is a terrible problem, especially for those close to you. There are, however, a number of possible solutions, one of them is water. Try spending summer underwater or, if you can't afford a four-month supply of air cylinders, surround yourself with water by living alone on a desert island. A new surgical procedure is now available where all of your sweat glands are removed but this does have its side effects. One of these is that if you start to get a very warm your brain overheats and your head explodes like a balloon full of jelly.

Yours at a distance, Dr Mog.

Dr Mog's Free Advice No.8 - Weird Mutant Freak

Dear Dr Mog,
I'm left-handed and feel like a second class citizen. Finding everyday items designed for left-handed people is very difficult. Can you help?

Mrs ???? (unfortunately we could not read your signature or address).

Dear Freak
Just because you have a genetic defect that was probably brought about by inbreeding does not mean that you are a second class citizen. I have spent many days locating useful household items especially designed for left-handed mutants like yourself. These are available at special rip-off prices on request:-
The left-handed biro, left-handed tea mug, left-handed vase, left-handed clothes peg, left-handed tea towel and the left-handed picture frame are just a few of the many great left-handed items we now hold in stock.

Yours exploitationally, Dr Mog.

Dr Mog's Free Advice No.9 - Paranoia

Dear Dr Mog,
For the last two weeks I believe I have been followed by secret agents. I think my phone has been tapped and someone has placed tiny microphones and cameras throughout my house. I am sure that whoever is doing this wants to kill me. Do you think I am paranoid?

Anon

Dear Anon, 25a Nooky Cresent, Manchester.
A few years ago, I too thought that I was being followed and kept under observation. It wasn't until my home was raided by the Serious Crime Squad that I realised that I wasn't paranoid myself. Just hope that you are paranoid, the alternative is worse.

Yours caringly, Dr Mog.

Dr Mog's Free Advice No.10 - Hearing Voices

Dear Dr Mog,
I have recently started to hear voices in my head and often find myself wandering around the streets in my night clothes screaming "The French are coming!". Do you think I need to take some pills?

The Duke, The George Bush Home For The Bewildered, Dover.

Dear Duke,
Stop worrying, you sound fine to me.

Yours reassuringly, Dr Mog.

Dr Mog's Free Advice No.11 - Fear

Dear Dr Mog,
With the new year approaching yet again I am suffering from an overwhelming fear that something horrible will happen and mankind will be wiped off the face of the earth on new years eve, have you any advice for me?

Mr S Cared, Glasgow

Dear Coward,
You are not alone, many people suffer from this kind of anxiety, the best thing for you to do is to find something that will ease this concern, such as taking out one of Dr. Mog's Disaster insurance policies. For only £25, you stand to collect £1,000,000 should all of mankind be destroyed.

Yours enterprisingly, Dr Mog.

Dr Mog's Free Advice No.12 - On The Way Out

Dear Dr Mog,
I am eighty years old, nearly deaf, half blind and suffer from thrombosis, arthritis, rheumatism, ringworm and angina. What would you advise me to do?

Mrs W Rinkly, Brighton.

Dear Old Person,
If you are still alive by the time this reply gets published, you should take up religion as soon as the church is open for business on Sunday.

Yours encouragingly, Dr Mog.

Dr Mog's Free Advice No.13 - Hangovers

Dear Dr Mog,
I am really looking forward to several parties and heavy drinking sessions over the next few weeks. However I always suffer from hangovers that sometimes last all day. From one drunk to another, have you any advice?

Mr Tenbelly, Nottingham.

Dear Pisshead,
As a doctor I fully understand how the thought of a bad hangover can spoil the fun of a good heavy drinking session but luckily I have the perfect solution. Hangovers are caused by sobering up after a bellyfull of alcohol so don't sober up, stay permenantly bladdered and you won't get a hangover. It works for me.

Yours understandingly, Dr Mog.